3CardMay: Day 5

day 5

Date: May 5th, 2015
Deck: Shadowscapes Tarot

What Makes Me Angry?
V – The Hierophant – conformity, tradition, (group) identification

This card really threw me for a loop when I first saw it, but I understand it now. I have always been the sort of Black Sheep of the family.  The one to always ‘do her own thing’. Not that other members in my family haven’t ventured out on their own, they have made fantastic lives, but I was the one to go further, to think deeper. The one to keep asking questions because I wasn’t satisfied with the status quo. I just want to break out on my own and know that I’ll be okay. Wait… Here’s the root of the problem:

I’m 27 years old and I live with my mom. I’m… okay with that. I’m actually saving up money for a down payment on a house or a town home, but I am so fucking ready to be on my own. I’m grateful for my mom letting me live here until I can get the place I want, but I’ve outgrown this place. I need my own space for my own things… and my own practices. I want something to call mine.

The Message Underneath
Eight of Wands – “the beginning of a long journey towards a goal”, “…it speeds towards reward with hope and momentum”

Well, well, well, if this isn’t the exact right card the question. I’ve still got a long way to go before I can sign on the dotted line and call a place “my home”. I may go stir crazy because I haven’t found it yet nor am I in the position to be looking, but if I just know that I will get what I want in the long run, then everything will run smoothly.  I feel there will be some one or something in the background lending a hand to my goal.

How To Heal This
XIII – Death – going through transition, endings and beginnings

I almost want to say to let go of the “Why aren’t I in my own home?” notion because focusing on that is only going to get me to focus on the fact that I still live with my mom. But living with my mom and having a place in her house is my transition phase. It will be slow going but the few years I’ll be here, somewhere out there, plans are coming together, machinery is moving to get things aligned. I’ll know when the right time to leave my mom’s and find a place of my own will be, but for right now, I need to build my resources and keep learning.

Okay, can we just look at the cards? Do you see how much motion and activity is going on in the background of all of the cards? And with such bright colors! I feel like I am being told to just chill for a little bit while the details get worked out. I love this spread.

4:18:2015 b

(based off of this spread, with an added card trying to bridge the first two)

What does my soul want?
XIII – Death

What does my ego want?
Nine of Swords

How can I compromise and achieve both?
Seven of Wands

My soul wants to break free. She is tired of the trivial, the mundane, the things we do over and over again that we believe will have us accomplish something when really they trap up.  My ego is filled with doubt and inner demons and she doesn’t want to think; she just wants to go with the crowd. But her fear is causing her to seize up. Unfortunately, there is no way for a compromise. There will be times where I will feel like I have broken my chains and gotten away from the redundancy of it all, but there will also be times where I follow the mob mentality and want to just be one among the masses.

That’s life.

Spread-A-Day: Day 12

Date: February 12, 2015
Deck: Black Cats Tarot
Created by: ragabashwitch

Day 12

What is preventing me from winning?
XIII – Death – change, transformation, transition

I am scared of how the family dynamic will be after the 28th of this month.  But this family meeting is something that must happen and I’m afraid of what the outcome will be at the end of the day.

How can I get to first place?
Queen of Wands – warmth, vibrancy, determination

I can’t point fingers, I need to include everyone when speaking, not just about my dad and I.  I need to show my sisters what it’s been like for me without sounding like I’m whining or placing blame.  I feel that it is through this approach that I can effect what winning will be like.

What will winning be like?
Nine of Swords – solitude, anxiety, despair

Damn.  Every time my cards show me something has to do with the outcome of the family meeting, it does not show me something good.  This card is telling me that while I may say all the right things and give all the right examples, in the end I will be left standing by myself.  My sisters will have the knowledge of what I said and went through, hopefully to their understanding, but that won’t make them support me in my decision.  And so I’ll be on my own, left to deal with the repercussions by myself.

Interesting fact #1: Before I shuffled the deck, I looked at the bottom card, just ‘cus I was curious.  And it was VIII – Death.  I only shuffled three times and it became the top card. Say what?!

Interesting fact #2: I looked at the shadow card when I was at the end of the spread and it was the Ace of Pentacles.  So, okay, when everything is all said and done, I’ll be able to pursue just about anything without having to look over my shoulder. There’s… some hope.